So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
