just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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