How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
