Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Pooping to opera.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
