He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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