What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I didn't notice because vodka
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
