I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
What drink are we having for lunch?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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