i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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