I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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