Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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