I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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