i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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