Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
