Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
