I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
