And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
