All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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