Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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