he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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