I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
