Got a toothbrush?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
