You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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