Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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