I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize