I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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