I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At least life still wants to fuck me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
