A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
