Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize