i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like abortions should bother me more
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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