My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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