What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
