next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
