I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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