im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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