A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Don't tell me you're on acid again
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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