The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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