Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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