Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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