Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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