I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
