apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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