I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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