I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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