so that wasnt chicken after all
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
