how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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