DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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