textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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