sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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