Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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