he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
