i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
