i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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