i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
this hospital has no fireball
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
