sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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