My sheets look like a crime scene.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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