I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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