Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
