What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
