The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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