Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
